Many years ago, in the City of Madras, there lived a woman called Priya. In that bygone & mercifully forgotten era, India was still a Socialist State. It meant putting up with lousy Customer Service. Now this woman had a very short fuse, so she spontaneously combusted whenever she encountered Stupid Shopkeepers: Thrice a week, to be precise. She got blooming tired of this routine, so she mounted her trusted steed & went clippety-clop to a foreign land.

Actually, I boarded a flight to the US.

After many years, we returned to India. From a “Non Aligned” nation – euphemism for aligning with the Russians really – India is now in bed with the US. Sound bites on the “Free Market” and “Foreign Direct Investment” impinge on your ear drums every nano-second. But, has Customer Experience improved at all? Here are my highly arbitrary findings, for those of you that have nothing better to do.

Man can live by bread alone. Woman can’t. To cover the delta, she shops. If she doesn’t, that’s only because she’s either stone broke or was run over by a truck (on her way to the mall). I love shopping – my undying ardor is reserved for Plumbing! Concealed Diverters! Granite Slabs! Wooden Planks! Hardware! When I grow up & become a big girl, I’ll treat myself to a Power Drill & a Chain Saw. No, I’m not sharing that with you.

All that is now. Back when I was 21 – flush with money from my 1st job, I went crazy over clothes. Forgive my lunacy, Oh Lord. I was just a greenhorn. Young, Inexperienced. And Slim. I remember going once – and never again – to “Flora”, a Clothing Store.

The Shop Girl was a waspish woman. Her baleful eyes viewed me with deep suspicion. Flora’s Management probably rated “Irritability” as a highly desirable factor in their staff. And this one cleared that test in flying colors. I tried a dress on & opened the fitting room door – And I thought I heard thunder, but it was only Miss Congeniality’s Clarion call for war. “Where do you think you are going?” she snapped.  “You haven’t paid for the dress. You can’t traipse all over the store wearing it!!” she boomed. I was furious – “I’m still in the fitting room! What did I do – put one toe over some magical line visible only to you??” I threw the dress on her face – I wasn’t wearing it then – and marched out of the store.

Fast Forward to the present. I recently went to “Health & Glow”, a leading Cosmetic chain in Chennai. The place was swarming – with Sales Men & Women. They outnumbered the customers 3 to 1. They were all smiling, flashing their pearly whites. And my, were the staff helpful? They were altogether too helpful. I had to rudely shove a few of them out of my way to get near a bottle of conditioner. “Would you like to try some Apricot Scrub, Madam?” tooted a voice near my right ear. “What about bath beads, Madam?” – this was my left ear. “Some alcohol-free astringent is the very thing for your oily face, Madam” – said a disembodied voice somewhere near my scalp. Jeepers Creepers!! They just wouldn’t leave me alone. Don’t go there when you feel emotionally fragile, OK?

Customers hate high-pressure sales tactics. Nobody wants to walk a gauntlet of touts, just to buy after-shave.

I’m an indifferent dresser. Purely out of inertia, I shop at neighborhood stores – like the ubiquitous “Naidu Hall”. If you ever plan to visit Chennai, watch closely when you are about to enter the store. Not that any effort is required – its not a subtle, nuanced point. We don’t do subtlety in my motherland. Anyhoo, there are 2 people who stand by the door – One of each gender. Ostensibly, the guy is the doorman and the lady is the usher. Both of them will pounce on you like eager Labrador puppies. “Madam, How can I help you?”. Jeez! Its a small shop – probably 2000 square feet in all! And has a grand total of 4 sections – Kids, Under Garments, Indian & “Western” gear (as in West of India: Pants, Shirts & Skirts – not Western as in Buffalo Bill). One would think the possibility of the customer getting hopelessly lost in such a small shop is slim. But, the “Naidu Hall” Management isn’t taking any chances.

I’m glad that Sales People are friendly & helpful these days. But, I wish they’ll keep their distance. Many Indians don’t have a concept of Personal Space. Living with 1.2 Billion people probably has something to do with that. In “Naidu Hall” for e.g. – a Sales Woman will follow you closely. Very closely. You don’t have to look helpless or touristy – they’ll instinctively imprint on you & follow you around, like baby ducks trotting after their mothers. I get very stressed out when someone stands so close to me that they can smell my armpit. When that happens, I just want to leave – to hell with shopping. One day I’d had enough – I swerved around abruptly & addressed my dogged pursuer: “Tell me, do I bear a striking resemblance to a known shop-lifter? If not, could you please detach yourself from my backside?” I heard a scared squeak & the woman scurried away. Peace, at last!

Why do shops in India have so many employees?? Do they get these people in some Discount Barn for employees – “Hire 2, Get 20 Free!!!” – Is that what’s going on? Most businesses apply skewed logic: They think following people around like bloodhounds is Customer Service. I think Book Shops have hit the right balance. There are people around, should you need help. Otherwise, they leave you alone. I wish other businesses would borrow a leaf & follow suit.

Don’t get me wrong. I do think shopping experience in India has vastly improved in the past 15 years. There’s more variety, competitive prices, attractive displays, well-appointed stores and better customer service . The Summum Bonum would be a peaceful, pleasurable shopping experience. People would really appreciate that. Till that happens, stores can keep brown paper-bags handy for stressed out, hyper-ventillating customers.

Here is my sequel on “Shopping in Egypt”. I’ll scrawl my account on “Women in Egypt” later – The current post will get too long otherwise. And you know how I hate to gas away for more than 2 pages. At any rate, you know now.

Let me begin at the very beginning, always a good place to begin. I own 4 watches that don’t work & 2 cheap watches that do. If you search my locker, you will find 2 more watches that don’t work. The watch that my brother gifted me from his first salary (a “Titan”). An old watch of indeterminate make & a fluorescent pink strap that will make your eyes water – a hand-me-down from my mother. I’m married to a man who thinks that – if you buy watches cheaper than a “Citizen” or a “Seiko”, you must be below the poverty line. He firmly believes that if something doesn’t work, it must be in the garbage bin, not the locker.

As you can see, I think spending too much money in shopping sprees ranks right next to “Original Sin”. My husband is a serial sinner. I took this man shopping in Egypt. I’ve been trying to lose a few pounds around my hips – I haven’t lost any, but my purse lost lots in that trip.

Before we started for Egypt, we were told that bargaining was a way of life there. I inwardly cringed – I hate bargaining. It simply drains me. My tendency is to chicken out & look for “Fixed Price” shops everywhere. I specifically don’t bargain with poor people: A few pounds more or less makes no difference to me. We needn’t have worried so much. True, most of the products don’t have a Price Label in Egypt. Still, contrary to what we were told, we didn’t face any problems while buying essentials like Food, Mineral Water, Toiletries or Medicines in Egypt. As long as we avoided the road-side vendors, we found the prices very reasonable.

You will most likely be cheated on the price & quality of curios – that’s part & parcel of being a tourist, so take that with a shrug & a smile. What got my goat was this – there’s no price listed even on the books! For crying out loud! It felt weird, negotiating the price of “The Life & Times of Rameses II – 3rd Edition”. After a couple of days, we were negotiating like native Arabs – with gusto & know-how (I hope). The shop-keepers are friendly & they really love bargaining. Its a battle of wits! Some of the shop-keepers thanked us for being friendly & went out of their way to help us, give us discounts or show us their best wares. A little politeness went a long way in Egypt.

Egypt will be a disappointment for the inveterate & discerning shopper. There are plenty of tourist traps that sell you cheap, tacky stuff. But, there are very few good buys – “steals” – to be had. The path to historical sites is paved with shops selling knick-knacks. And the tourists have to walk the gauntlet, braving touts who woo them with ardor. All these shops from Cairo to Alexandria to Luxor to Aswan sell the same kind of stuff, uniting Upper & Lower Egypt in a way Narmer never imagined. Scarabs, Imitation Beads, Key Chains, Glass Pyramids, Heads/Statues of Gods, Ash Trays, Vases, Boxes. Even Khan El Khalili was a major letdown. I had these fantastic visions of the Khan as a thriving Souq: And verily it pulsates with – tourists and apocrypha.

While making our way to the “El Fishawy” Coffee House in the Khan, we found a nice looking figure of Bastet, the Cat Goddess. The shop keeper sauntered to me & said with a knowing wink, “Lady, its made of Aponis”. Dim realization dawned on us that he meant “Ebony”. Ebony, my ass. It was made of plywood coated with plastic & painted black. Anyhoo, we bought the “Aponis” Bastet.

Serious shoppers can buy Alabaster, Papyrus, Essential Oils, Carved Wood, Carpets, Spices, Glass, Silver-ware & Brass-ware. All these are of exceptional quality & hence cost a neat packet of money – so be prepared to spend your $$$. We decided not to buy anything bulky, so we had to give carpets a pass. And please – my eyes are about to go blind from the tasteless overuse of Wood, Silver & Brass in India. If I had a choice of either that or a cup of Hemlock – Thank you, I’ll take the Hemlock with 2 cubes of sugar. That left Alabaster, Papyrus & Essential Oils. Alabaster is either machine-cut or hand-made. MC Alabaster looks depressingly & suspiciously glossy, as if it had ODed on cheap varnish. Hand-made Alabaster looks nice, provided you know how to look for damages.

So we settled for Papyrus & Essential Oils. And plenty of kitschy stuff that we hated at first, second & third sights. We didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the Egyptian shop keepers. “You don’t like ANYTHING in my shop??” “Ooh, no no – We love your shop. We’ll take the fluorescent green cup with “CLEOPATRA” emblazoned in Red!” Travel is fraught with such dangers.

A parting shot: I wish the tour guides would stick to guiding & refrain from touting. Some of our guides were more interested in taking us to a “very nice shop that sells Egyptian Cotton” than in explaining Nefertari’s legacy to us. The more enterprising ones wanted to sell us “a nice CD with photos because we were historical people” – hope the guide was alluding to our interest in history, not our age. It becomes very uncomfortable when your guide can’t put a lid on his/her sales pitches & you want to be left alone with the priceless legacy of Pharaonic Egypt.

Next Up – Will be a piece of fiction from me. Hang in there.