Dear Readers, I’ve been thinking. And that should make you very nervous – almost as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. So far, I’ve wrought nothing but mischief with my thinking. This is a fair warning: I’ve been using the spaghetti between my ears.

There are so many awards given out each year – Nobel, Pulitzer, Booker, Sahitya Academy, Peabody, Oscar, Grammy – its a long list. For people that inspire others thru exalted performance. For people that set a high-water mark for human endeavor. For people who open new doors in the quest for knowledge. For people that are brilliant.

But what about the dumb & the batty, huh? What, no awards for them?? Isn’t that tantamount to discrimination? I’m particularly distressed that we don’t have awards to recognize charlatans, quacks & assorted purveyors of pseudo-science. So, I decided to rectify this grievous miscarriage of justice. IMHO, such people deserve awards ceremonies amidst fanfare. I decided to give out awards for those that are so batty that “batty” ain’t the word to describe them anymore. And the ones that bamboozle simple folk, because – well, their bam is just too easy to boozle

I announce the “Millenium Bat Awards”, the awards for the snake-oil selling crocodiles. I give out these awards only once in 1000 years, so pay attention. Winners have been selected for furthering the cause of science: their ideas are so bizarre, that their very mention will make sensible people say “YEWWW!”. I believe that this “YEWWW!” factor will send people careening towards genuine science.

What kind of bats-in-the-belfry ideas are high in “YEWWW!” factor? Take utter bunkum like the takionic headbands. For a mere $29.95, you can get a head or wrist-band that will counter your stress levels. Its the elastic equivalent of the happy pill, “Prozac”. Its energy is harnessed from “Tachyons that are not from the electro-magnetic spectrum. They are (drum-roll, please) Magneto-Electric!”. Gee, that sounds scientific! Thank God James Clerk Maxwell is dead. If he were alive, he’ll be so depressed that he’ll need a takionic wrist-band.

Now, for the awards – “Delirious Dingbat” and “Wonky Wombat”. There’s a certain hierarchy & a pecking order in these awards. DD is easier to get than WW. Sort of like the difference between Padma Shri & Padma Bhushan given by the Indian government. Only the “Padma” awards are for heroes. And mine are for crackpots. Indeedy yes!

I regret that I had to overlook a few stellar performers for these awards. Deepak Chopra – His accomplishments straddle several disciplines. Quantum Physics, Neurology, Philosophy, Logic, Statistics, Religion, Psychology. If we let him compete, he’ll win all the awards hands-down – so, in the spirit of competition, I had to drop this over-achiever. Tom Cruise – For his immense contributions to Religion & Philosophy. I was particularly moved by his latest Youtube video where he talks with wisdom (& without blinking, if I may add) about KSW, E-Meters & Thetans. But since the Church of Scientology relentlessly sues people for slander, I had to reluctantly drop Tommy from my list. And Dinesh D’Souza? Give that man a few more years, I say. He has tremendous potential. As it is, he’s just warming up.

I award Uri Geller the “Delirious Dingbat” award. Geller is known for his prowess in bending spoons – “Psychokinesis”. He would merely “stroke” the spoons for a few minutes & voila, – they broke into 2 pieces! Not to mention “Telepathy” – He could describe hidden drawings! Many people were hysterical, ecstatic or both & hailed their latest Messiah.

Ah, but there were a few flies in the ointment. Many magicians did the things Geller did, using simple “Parlor Tricks” – without claiming to be “Psychokinetic”. Noted skeptic James Randi was one of them. Nobel Laureate Physicist Richard Feynman, who needs no introduction, stated that Geller couldn’t bend his car keys Geller routinely used his “Telepathic” powers to predict the outcome of sports events – only to be routinely wrong. Geller faced a public denouement on national TV in Johnny Carson’s program: You see, he couldn’t bend Carson’s spoons. His tricks only worked on spoons from the Geller home

In spite of all this, people believed Geller, more voceiferously than ever. Because he claimed to be a Juju man. And he is utterly believable, right? The fact that he once was an amateur magician can’t have a bearing on anything, would it?

Masaru Emoto gets the “Wonky Wombat” award. Emoto is known for his New Age Woo Woo stuff of “Messages from Water“. He says that your thoughts have a deep impact & hence, positive thoughts are better. So far, I agree. But the dude went on to postulate how our “vibrations”, words, thoughts and music have a profound effect on the crystal structure of snow & ice. He took pretty pictures of these crystals & published it as a book to drive home his point.

Water must be a very impressionable & confused beverage that needs therapy. Water from city reservoirs formed ugly crystals – but when they heard chanting from a priest, they felt better & arranged themselves into beautiful crystals. It didn’t stop there. Apparently, water can read very well. Emoto typed a few names on a piece of paper & tagged it to ice trays. Pretty crystals formed when the name tag “Mother Theresa” was affixed – and ugly crystals when “Adolf Hitler” was affixed. Hey, I’m not making this up. Its all in his book.

Its unclear at this point if water from Japan (where Emoto carried out his experiments) can only read Japanese, or can do equally well with English or Spanish Skeptics have challenged Emoto to do a double-blind study, where the experimenter won’t know what words the water was exposed to. They also want him to publish photographs of different parts of the ice specimen. I don’t know what his plans are, but I’m not waiting with bated breath. As Andy Warhol famously noted, Emoto got his 15 minutes of fame. And sold his books.

Albert Einstein once said, “The most beautiful and profound emotion we can experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the power of all true science.” I’m not immune to the allure of mystery. Mysteries give us the scope to think, to analyze, to imagine, to expand our knowledge. If someone can really exhibit paranormal powers, for e.g. – I’ll be blown away. But before that, I’ll ask many, many questions to ascertain the truth. And then, I’ll try to find out how it happens. For you don’t leave a mystery alone. The beauty of a mystery is in cracking it.