I never start anything with an apology. What the heck, I’ll set a precedent here & get the queasiness out of the way. My Mea Culpa: This post is auto-biographical & I’m not at all sorry about that. I’ve compulsively & maladroitly changed the names of all the characters. But they are all from real life, poorly & incompetently veiled. Now I can get on with business. Sehr Gut, Nicht Wahr – as they say in Germany. Not that I’ve ever been to Berlin, but I imagine that’s how they speak. My imagination is as limited as my German vocabulary.

I called this a “Diary”, but I don’t have the habit of keeping one. Once when I was 12 years old, I decided to keep one – since all the girls I knew had one. They wrote their most intimate thoughts in it, in pink ink. “Sheetal loves Fayaz”. “Meera Smoked a Ciggy Today!” They never traveled anywhere without their diary, tooth brush & Teddy Bear. How can I be left behind. I wrote on the fly leaf of a thin, dark blue leather-bound diary: “Its indecent to read another person’s diary”. After that, much to my chagrin, I had run out of material. And I had misspelt “diary” as “dairy” in my hurry. So, I filled my “dairy” with New Words & Phrases, World Capitals, Cricket Scores (Edited mendaciously to favor Kapil Dev & Vivian Richards), Favorite Theorems, Lyrics for Thomas Dolby’s songs, My “Discoveries” such as “Why I believe Hydrogen to be a Metal”.

Why am I saying all this? I want you to know that I’m using the term “diary” simply to denote the veracity of my post. These things happened, mostly as narrated. Events are not presented in a strict chronological order, because – Well, everything in life isn’t neatly docketed & ordered. Dissonance, the way of life. Our hope, to untangle it to a more coherent mess.

When I was in 4th grade, my favorite possession was “Our Solar System” – a small, 100 page book on Astronomy. I loved this puny book. There were 9 planets. Some of them had many moons. Planetary flotsam called “Asteroids” could hit us any time. The sun was a star (Yowza!). Our galaxy is shaped like a “J”. Soon after, I acquired another fascinating book – “The Composite World Atlas”. I also owned a less revered text book on “Moral Science”. In retrospect, it is the latter that gave me much food for thought. In my Roman Catholic school, “Moral Science” was a euphemism for teaching a bland, secular hodge-podge of “good & wholesome” ideas taken from various religions.

I bluntly asked my dad one day: “Appa, I can’t locate any place in the Atlas marked “Heaven”. Is there such a place?”. My father looked at me & smiled. “Also – I’ve read my Astronomy book. And all my text books on Science. Nowhere does it mention God”. “So what do you make of it?” asked my dad. “Well, all books talk about the big bang & how it caused us into being. It talks about how atmosphere & water help us live. And about planets without life. There are theories & experiments to prove all this”. My dad looked at me encouragingly – “Go on”. “I mean, my legitimate text books don’t leave a place for God in their scheme. Only my namby-pamby Moral Science book talks about God. Do you believe in God?” My dad scratched his head & said – I’ll never forget it – “If there isn’t a God, we’ll create one to regulate our lives”. I stoutly said, “Well, I don’t believe in God”.

“You can’t disprove God, can you?” – This was Mr Swami, our neighbor & Math Professor at the local university. We were walking around the lake & we sat on a grassy knoll. The university’s adopted dog, Blackie, looked at the professor lovingly & slobbered all over his face. “No Sir, I can’t. But that’s not how science works. You believers haven’t provided a shred of evidence to prove God exists”. The professor chuckled. “Consider this, Priya. What do you have to lose by believing in God? In any case, that’s a safe bet!” I burst out laughing – Pascal’s Wager! I should have expected this from a Math Professor. “Sir – You want me to hedge my bets? What are we discussing – my investment portfolio or my belief system?” The professor shrugged – “Eternal Consequences, my dear girl”.

My friend Pat asked me once, “Believing in God gives me strength. What does your disbelief give you?” I thought about the “Digital Signal Processing” exam that I had endured last semester. It was too advanced a subject for Under Grad levels & our lecturer was as ignorant as his students on the nuances of signals. We were quaking in our boots before the exams. But many of my classmates – sent a prayer to their favorite presiding deities. And entered the exam hall more resolutely than me. All I had was existential angst – that’s what my disbelief had given me. Faring well in this exam was almost completely dependent on how well I had prepared. Knowing this fact certainly did not help me. I ended up acing that exam – but all I remember is how my stomach was in knots the day the results were announced. It was an ugly feeling.

“So what is your stance?” – my mother asked me one day – “There may be a God, you know”. Yes, I agreed – “Amma, there could be a God. But as of now, God is a moot point”. My mom asked me – “Then, are you an Agnostic? There seems to be some doubt in your mind”. “No mom – Agnostics think the existence of God & After-life are unknowable. I merely think its a matter of time before we know the truth. If we don’t have answers to many questions today, we should be patient & try to uncover more data. Instead of jumping into the conclusion – that there is a God”. As Albert Einstein said, “The important thing is not to stop questioning”. The answers are not too important, but an enquiring mind is.

Where does that leave me? People are free to follow a religion of their choice. I just choose not to. Again, if people choose to believe in God – I respect, but don’t share, their opinion.

As for God – who knows, there may be one. Till that is proved to the satisfaction of the scientific community – by that I mean the skeptics, not some crazy dude with a doctorate who believes in “Magic Messages from Water” – I classify myself as an atheist who’s almost sure there’s no God.